It's the middle of the night and I woke up with a strong feeling that something is wrong. I had just fallen asleep and I sat up unnerved. I tried to wake up John, but that is almost impossible since he sleeps like a rock and it takes literally minutes mixed with loud noises to even begin to wake him. Instead I began to pray for different people close to me. My mind started to wander to Jeremy and that's when the feeling got even stronger. I suddenly had this flashback of when I read this book in high school, Fresh Wind Fresh Fire, written by Jim Cymbala. In the book he talks about his rebellious daughter and how he woke in the middle of the night to pray for her the exact minute she was hitting rock bottom and chose to give her life to Jesus. I decided to pray for Jeremy even though I had no idea where he could be or what he could be doing.

As my thoughts wandered to more things, I began to calm down, all the while thinking about my baby brother Jeremy. Growing up, he loved our kitten Socks so much! I remember the way he showed his love for that cat by swinging her in circles by her tail, and throwing things at her =) I remember not even three or four years ago I was taking him to get icecream and a SUV swerved right into out lane and almost caused a bad accident. I screamed "Shit" very loudly. I then had to listen to my ten or eleven year old brother give me a lecture on how swearing was not healthy and I should learn to control my tongue. I also remember Jeremy telling me that lots of his middle school friends smoked but he was never going to because he wanted his lungs to stay pink. I thought back to the two weeks he spent visiting my in California at my apartment. We literally spent the entire time, watching 24 DVD's, playing tennis and swimming. We had long talks about his "stint" with marijuana, and I tried to talk in into being excited about leaving Cali to go on his first trip with Royal Servants to China. Jeremy was just starting to experiment with rebellion and was not excited about spending the summer with a bunch of "good kids."

Although I think he secretly had an amazing time i nChina, he came home even worse...and it has been downhill from there. Since that summer two years ago Jer has dropped out of high school, gotten into trouble for stealing, taken many drugs, recieved an MIP, moved out of my parents house, seriously almost had to sleep on the street on different occasions, and I'm sure many more things I can't even imagine.

He calls John and I on occasion, usually to ask if there is any chance of us buying him and his friends alcohol. We did pick him up a few months ago and took him to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. It was a very awkward time. We weren't sure to to act. Should we pretend we had no idea how he was living his life? Try to talk some sense into him? Preach at him? Sympathize with him, and saying how we know what he is going through? We ended up mostly making small talk, and ended with night with John asking him if he thought about the consequenses of his actions that would later take a toll on him. He didn't seem to care. He did send me a message on Facebook telling me he has to pay his MIP fine and subtly hinting he needed money.

My sixteen year old brother is on the fast track to severe consequences for his actions. I am not judging, mind you. I am aware I was probably just as destructive, only I chose a different path of rebellion. I had (and probably still do to a degree) a lot of baggage to work through. I do not wish that upon anyone, especially Jer.

I miss my brother. I wish he would come to his senses. I pray daily that he will realize his need to Jesus. I long for him to have his innocence back.

Alright, maybe I'll be able to go back to sleep now...